The difference between your versions is quite remarkable, Hieronymus. I enjoyed the first, but the second, ooo la la! Wow wow wow! As for voice, I totally agree that it evolves, along with our storytelling abilities. Even from a first draft to the last within the same week or so. Thank you for sharing this. I’m restacking in the hopes others can see it too.
The kind of post that reminds me that voice isn't something we build, it's something we remember.
I love how you name the fear of getting it wrong, of not being original enough, of being too loud or too soft. That tension lives in so many of us who care deeply. And yet what you model here is presence over performance.
Thank you for letting the truth show up a little unpolished.
The difference between your versions is quite remarkable, Hieronymus. I enjoyed the first, but the second, ooo la la! Wow wow wow! As for voice, I totally agree that it evolves, along with our storytelling abilities. Even from a first draft to the last within the same week or so. Thank you for sharing this. I’m restacking in the hopes others can see it too.
I appreciate the compliment, Olivia! Thank you!
Tis true, tis true!
I must say version one is my favorite. Seems softer to me.
It is definitely softer, but I bypassed the hunt scene completely, the one thing that would showcase him being a vampire. I went for the easy path.
Great piece! So often writers try to sound a certain way and then it feels inauthentic. Thank you for this reminder.
I think it comes with writing a lot. It's not something that you can take a shortcut on. Thanks for commenting!
Honest feedback: I was unable to read the first version past the second paragraph. 😆 The second version pulled me along to the end.
The first version was from when I first started writing 17 years ago. 😊
The second is recent. I hope I’ve gotten better.
The kind of post that reminds me that voice isn't something we build, it's something we remember.
I love how you name the fear of getting it wrong, of not being original enough, of being too loud or too soft. That tension lives in so many of us who care deeply. And yet what you model here is presence over performance.
Thank you for letting the truth show up a little unpolished.
Stay entangled, my friend.
—The Bathrobe Guy
That means a lot. I love that line about voice being something we remember. It really does feel like that: less invention, more excavation.
Thanks for seeing the fear behind the polish, and the care behind the fear. “Presence over performance” is a phrase I’ll be carrying forward.
Appreciate the kind words, and the entanglement.
It's always good to see you!